Reading the cues - How to respond to baby's cries

Reading the Cues - How to Respond to Baby's Cries.
by Marion Badenoch Rose, Ph.D.

Parenting with empathy is a recent phenomenon. Psychohistorian Lloyd deMause traced the evolution of parenting from antiquity through to the late twentieth century, and found that only in the middle of the twentieth century did parents start to empathise with their children. (1) However, it was not until the late 1970’s that a developmental psychologist, Aletha Solter, Ph.D., found that babies could heal from stress and trauma through crying whilst being given aware attention in loving arms. Dr. Solter’s approach is based on the understanding that there are two different reasons for a baby’s crying - crying to communicate an immediate need such as closeness, food, stimulation etc., and crying to heal from past stress or trauma. This article elucidates the difference between crying to indicate an immediate need and crying to heal.

Dr. Solter says, “Many people are baffled by infant crying because they assume that crying is always caused by an immediate need or discomfort.“ (2)

According to Aware Parenting, despite the most attentive parenting and continual closeness, all babies need to express their feelings and release accumulated stress.

The value of stress-release crying is supported by William Sears, who coined the term Attachment Parenting. He says, “Ever have an occasion when your baby or child is crying and nothing works to stop her? Take heart! It’s not your fault she is crying; nor is it your urgent responsibility to stop the cry. In fact, research has shown that crying is an important part of the recovery process - a physiologic aid to releasing stored stress. Tears produced to wash away irritants in the eye and those secreted as an emotional outlet have different chemical compositions. Emotional tears contain breakdown products not found in irritant tears, namely stress hormones, which increase during painful experiences. These fascinating findings indicate there may be a physiologic basis for the expression ‘have a good cry.’ Grief and hurt may be released through tears. Why be so quick to get babies and children to hold back their tears? Frantic hushing ... trains children to stifle pent-up emotions that, by a good cry, could be carried down the river of tears. Lucky is the child who feels the freedom to cry without rebuke. Wise is the parent who gives a supportive presence. There is a big difference between allowing your baby to cry (without panic on your part!) and leaving her to cry alone and uncomforted. Give your child the message, “It’s okay to cry; I’m here to help you.” (3)

When a parent does not know that all babies regularly need to cry in loving arms to heal, she will assume that he is crying to communicate an immediate need. Thinking he is hungry, she will feed him, thinking he is tired, she will rock and jiggle him, or thinking he is bored, she will offer games and toys. Aware Parenting understands that when a parent repeatedly responds in particular ways to her baby’s need for stress-release crying, he soon learns to respond to his upset feelings in that same way. For example, if she feeds him every time he is upset, he will “ask” for food when he is upset. This becomes a “control pattern,” a habit that the baby uses to hold his feelings inside. Control patterns are often in place by the age of six months, which is why responding to the cues of babies and children may get more complicated as they get older.

But if a parent understands that all babies need to express their feelings and release any stresses or traumas that they have experienced, she can observe her baby’s cues. She can meet his immediate needs when that is what he is asking for. When he is crying to heal, she can simply hold him with her loving attention whilst he cries. Resisting the urge to rock, jiggle, or bounce him, she gives him the opportunity to release tension and learn that feelings are his friends.

So how do we tell when a baby is crying to communicate an immediate need and when he is crying to heal? Below are some suggestions summarised from “The Aware Baby.”

Meeting immediate needs
Touch
One of babies’ most important needs is be touched and held. Babies enjoy having physical closeness day and night, and this kind of connection is essential for secure attachment. Co-sleeping and being carried in a baby carrier or sling during the day meet babies’ needs the most, as do caressing, massaging and breast feeding.

Connection and attunement
Babies also need connection and attunement for secure attachment. They invite connection through gaze, movement, vocalising, and later, smiling. Attunement is when a baby expresses a feeling and the parent express it back. For the first nine months, parents generally express the feeling back in the same way, for example the baby smiles and the parent smiles back with the same level of excitation. This is crucial to help babies know that their feelings are shared and acceptable. (4)

Reducing overstimulation and stress
Premature babies, newborns, and more sensitive babies are especially vulnerable to overstimulation but all babies experience it. This includes noise from televisions and stereos, and visual stimulation from shopping trips and lots of people. If a parent chooses to take her baby to a place where there is lots of stimulation, she can help protect him by carrying him close to her body in a sling or baby carrier. A baby will not be overstimulated by being touched and held all day long.

“Much of the crying that occurs in the early months may be due to overstimulation, As a general guideline, the younger the baby, the easier he is to overstimulate.” (5).

Many things can be frightening for babies, including loud noises, long separations, conflict between parents, and parents being angry or depressed.

“Babies are extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Strive to keep their stress level to a minimum and reduce their need to cry.” (6)

Reducing stressful events for a baby will reduce the amount of time he needs to cry, but there will always be some tension that he needs to release.

What to do when a baby cries
Parents can check if he has any immediate needs such as closeness, food, warmth, etc. Read below for how to distinguish between these needs. If the crying sounds different to usual or is high pitched, they check out his physical health. If their baby is healthy and has no medical or physical problems, and all his immediate needs have been met, then he is probably crying to release tension from past stresses. Then they can hold their baby as he cries, for as long as he cries, and give him empathy, reassurance, and love. This is part of the attunement process and tells their baby that his feelings are understood and accepted. When he has finished he will either be very alert or fall into a peaceful sleep.

Once a baby can crawl, holding and crying changes. If he is crying to heal and his parents are not holding him, they can stay close to him, give him loving attention, and let him choose whether he wants to be held.

How to tell if a baby needs to cry to heal
The easiest ways to tell when a baby needs to cry are if he is sucking his thumb or a dummy, or clinging to a special blanket or toy - these are control patterns and not immediate needs. When a behaviour can be both an immediate need and a control pattern (for example feeding), there are other cues, for example:

* If a baby asks for something when he is obviously upset
* If the cry is sudden and loudly full blown
* If he looks “spaced out”

If he has been recently fed and changed and is physically comfortable and still crying, then just holding him calmly will determine whether he needs to cry -
if he continues to cry then he may be needing to release some stresses.

How much does a baby need to cry to heal?
This depends on how much stress he has experienced, particularly birth complications, prenatal stress, or early separations. Also, babies differ in their sensitivity levels and this will affect how much they need to cry. Some babies will only need a few minutes a day, others several hours a day. The amount will increase if there are major changes going on, family stresses, and before developmental milestones (like learning to crawl).

For the first few days after birth, babies spend most of their time feeding and sleeping. After this period, they begin to need to cry to release stress. If control patterns are not used, crying peaks around six weeks and decreases after three months. From about six weeks on, it is common for a baby to have one crying session a day, for an hour or more, usually in the late afternoon or evening. If a baby has had a difficult birth, he may tend to cry every day at the same time of his birth.

Distinguishing between a need for movement and a need for healing
When a baby is alert and happy she will enjoy gentle movement such as rocking, swinging, dancing and bouncing. When a baby is fussy or crying she is saying that she has different needs, which could be immediate (such as feeding), or a need to release past stresses. Babies do not cry to express a need for movement.

If jiggling, rocking or movement become control patterns, the baby will learn to move whenever she is upset. This leads to behaviours such as self-rocking, head-banging, and hyperactivity.

Distinguishing between a need for food and a need for healing
Newborn babies’ reflexes mean they turn their heads and suck on anything that touches their cheeks, whether they are hungry or not. For the first week or two, a mother can feed her baby every time her baby grunts, fusses or cries in order to establish the milk supply. After then, she can look for cues for when her baby needs to cry to release tension and stress.

If a baby is fed when she is not hungry but needs to release stress, feeding temporarily calms her, ensuring that she does not regurgitate milk. But the feelings are only postponed and soon they resurface and she becomes fussy again. She seems to need feeding many times throughout the day and night. Actually, she is repeatedly trying to release her stress through crying.

When a baby is repeatedly fed when she needs to cry, she learns to ask to feed when she is upset. Behaviours such as feeding every two hours or more after six months, or when hurt or frustrated, and frequent night waking also occur. After weaning, she will do lots of crying and have tantrums as she lets out the feelings that the breast feeding has been holding down (unless new control patterns are developed). As she gets older, she may eat or be addicted to sweet things to repress her feelings.

“Many mothers confuse food with love, thinking that offering their breast is the only way to show love to their babies. There are many ways of responding to your baby and showing love without offering your breast. One of them is by holding and listening.” (7)

There are several guidelines to help read a baby’s hunger cues.

Type of crying
* Hunger builds up gradually and is communicated by grunts of discomfort or a whine which develops into a full blown cry if a baby is not fed.
* A sudden full blown cry is more likely to indicate stress release.

Feeding behaviour
* If she is hungry, a baby will latch on eagerly and feed calmly (unless there is a lot of noise or distraction).
* If she needs to cry to heal she will latch on reluctantly, will suck but start crying again soon, will squirm, grunt or bite, or will suck sporadically and irregularly. If she does any of these, her parents could simply hold her lovingly to see if she needs to release stress.
** (Check out other reasons for crying after starting feeding, such as too much milk, milk not coming, or a stuffed up nose).

Feeding intervals
* If a baby has fed from both breasts and has a full feed and if she cries less than two and a half hours since the beginning of the previous feed, it is not likely to be hunger.
* As a baby grows, the interval between feedings usually increases as her stomach can hold more milk. If a baby starts crying more frequently as she gets older, it may indicate that she has some crying to catch up on.
** (Check out other reasons, such as hot weather, illness, a growth spurt, insufficient milk, or being ready for solids).

One mother wrote about her experiences with her six week old daughter after reading “The Aware Baby,” “At that time she was beginning to have crying spells which I did not understand, and I was beginning to get frantic. Perhaps some of this crying was due to colic. I went off dairy products and the cramped, painful crying practically disappeared. On the other hand ... I was offering her my breast every time she cried, or walking her to sleep. She was nursing fitfully every hour or so during the day, and I was beginning to notice that she seemed kind of “zoned out.” The first week when I encouraged her to cry was really rough. For the first three days she did almost nothing but cry, and my family went around holding their ears and trying not to interfere. Just as I was losing my nerve, my family became supportive. Now I am the proud Mama of a seven-month-old baby who everyone says is so alert. .......Perhaps, as she won’t be carrying so much past hurt around with her, she will always be in touch with the person she is now:......so fresh, so intelligent.” (8)

Cues for introducing solids
A baby will indicate when she is ready to start solids, for example, if she tries to take her parents’ food, or if she still seems hungry after breast feeding, or if she is feeding more frequently and is dissatisfied (and she is doing enough crying in arms).

If a parent trusts his baby and offers her a variety of healthy foods, she will choose what her body needs. He can refrain from praising, rewarding, or encouraging foods or making her eat more than she wants to. She will learn to trust her body and her appetite. She will tell him if she wants the food he offers her by opening her mouth or moving his hand towards her mouth. If she doesn’t want it, she will keep her mouth closed or will push it away or turn her head.

Distinguishing between a need for sleep and a need for healing
Babies’ sleepiness cues include drooping eyes, rubbing eyes, lying down, or clinging.
When a baby is simply sleepy, and has done enough crying in arms, he looks tired and relaxed and will spontaneously fall asleep with physical closeness. He does not need anything to be done to him to fall asleep.

Behaviours usually interpreted as tiredness, such as fussing, whining, fidgeting, or hyperactivity are actually cues for a need to cry. When a baby is tired, he cannot repress his feelings as easily, which is why babies often fuss or cry at the end of the day.

A baby who is fussing and who has not cried in arms won’t fall asleep unless he has a control pattern to repress his feelings long enough for him to fall asleep. These control patterns include sucking his thumb or a dummy, clutching a blanket or soft toy, breast or bottle feeding for comfort, or being rocked, walked, bounced, jiggled, or driven in a car. These control patterns make the baby “spaced out” so that he temporarily relaxes enough to fall asleep.

However, if a baby is put to sleep this way, his feelings will emerge again soon, perhaps as he enters a state of light sleep, or if he is put down. Then he wakes up ready to release his stress. Parents usually then repeat the control pattern, which leads to frequent night waking as the baby continues to wake to release the tension held in his body.

For the first few months babies will usually wake up once or more during the night because they are hungry and need feeding. By the time they are six months old, most healthy babies can sleep through, although some may need one night feeding. If a baby is six months old or more and wakes up more than once, it is probably not from hunger.

Reasons for night waking include hunger (less likely after six months), a need for physical closeness, pain, sickness, or discomfort, feeling scared or having a nightmare, or needing to release stress by crying in arms.

“The most likely cause for night awakenings in older babies is a need to release accumulated stress by crying (while being held). Perhaps your baby does not have sufficient opportunities to cry during the day and at bedtime.” (9)

Instead of using control patterns in the daytime and to get their baby to sleep, parents can watch for stress release cues and lovingly hold their baby whilst he cries. The more a baby releases tension during the day, the less likely he needs to cry at night. Before sleeping, parents can allow their baby to release any remaining stress in their arms, so that he falls asleep peacefully and sleeps soundly.

Distinguishing between a need for stimulation and a need for healing
If a parent frequently offers toys and stimulation when his baby needs to cry, she will learn to repress her feelings this way. She will then “ask” to be entertained when she is upset. A baby with this control pattern will seem to “constantly demand attention.” In fact, she simply needs loving attention without distraction so that she can release stress.

If a parent has offered his baby entertainment and she is still agitated, he can first check that she is not hungry or uncomfortable. If none of these apply, then she is probably needing to cry in his arms.

“If nothing seems to make your baby happy for very long, you can hold her but refrain from distracting her, and see what happens. Speak gently to her and let he know that you are willing to listen. If she needs to cry, she will then do so. If not, she will probably find a way to entertain herself while being held.... After she has cried, she may be ready for stimulation, and you can then play with her in whatever manner she requests. Many parents find, however, that babies who have cried enough do not demand any further attention after crying, and are able to entertain themselves for longer stretches of time.” (10)

The value of healing during infancy and childhood
Healing from childhood pain as an adult is often lengthy and difficult. That is why I love encouraging parents to help their babies and children heal as they grow. When a baby’s parents respond to his cues and are present with him as he cries to heal, he develops a deep inner sense that all of his being is loved and acceptable. Not only that, but he grows into an adult who has already healed from the difficult experiences in his life, free from patterns of repression, and comfortable with his feelings. He develops from an aware baby into an aware adult, ready to contribute his unique gifts to the world.


Marion Badenoch Rose lives with her three year old daughter, husband and three dogs in Northern New South Wales. She has been studying infant and child development for the past 18 years. This includes a degree in psychology and a Ph.D. on the mother-infant relationship from Cambridge University. She has diplomas in Psychosynthesis counselling and psychotherapy, and has worked in Universities in England as Research Fellow in infant development, and Lecturer. She is a certified Aware Parenting instructor. She offers consultations, courses and workshops for parents. Her dream is for all parents to welcome the healing crying, raging and laughter of babies and children. She can be contacted at awareparenting@iinet.net.au

References
1. deMause, L., ed. (1974) The History of Childhood: The Untold Story of Child Abuse. New York. Peter Bedrick Books.
2. Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby (revised edition) Shining Star Press, p.39
3. Sears, W. and Sears, M. (1993) The Baby Book. Little, Brown and Co., p.349.
4. Stern, Daniel. (1985) The Interpersonal World of the Infant New York Basic Books.
5. Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby, p.131
6. Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby, p.49
7. Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby, p.79
8. in Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby, p.127-8
9. Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby, p.113
10. Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby, p.133-134

Aletha Solter’s three books are:

Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby (revised edition) Shining Star Press
ISBN 0-9613073-7-4

Solter, A. (1998) Tears and Tantrums What to Do When Babies and Children Cry
Shining Star Press ISBN: 0-9613073-6-6

Solter, A. (1989) Helping Young Children Flourish (Two to eight years of age)
Shining Star Press ISBN: 0-9613073-1-5

They are available from www.Awareparenting.com

For more information about emotional release in babies and children,
See Aletha Solter’s website at www.Awareparenting.com


This article was first published in Natural Parenting Magazine in 2005

Babe in Arms, Crying to Heal

Babe in Arms, Crying to Heal
by Marion Badenoch Rose, Ph.D.


More than a quarter of a century ago, Aletha Solter, Ph.D., developed a form of attachment parenting known as Aware Parenting, yet many parents and professionals remain unaware of the significant contributions she has to offer. Aware Parenting encompasses practices which establish secure attachment, such as: natural birth; breast-feeding on demand; co-sleeping; and carrying baby in a sling.

Where Aware Parenting differs from many other attachment parenting styles is in its understanding of crying as a way to release tension and trauma. Using this approach I have come to understand that attachment is not just about holding a baby close and being sensitive to his needs, but also about accepting and empathising with all of his feelings.

Aletha Solter’s pioneering work has taught a generation of parents how they can support their babies and children to heal from the effects of frustrating and frightening experiences through crying, raging, laughing, and symbolic play. Her work is highly recommended by important figures such as Dr. Thomas Gordon (author of Parent Effectiveness Training), and Jeannine Parvati Baker (midwife and author of Prenatal Yoga and Natural Birth).

Since the ground-breaking studies in attachment by Dr. John Bowlby in the 1950’s, there has been increasing recognition that babies need frequent physical closeness, prompt responsiveness, and continuity of carers. A crucial aspect of secure attachment is acceptance of all of the feelings of babies and children, (rather than distraction from them). Insecure attachment, characterised by aggression to parents, continual clinging or whining, and avoidance of closeness, disappears when parents learn to welcome crying. A parent’s nurturing responsiveness to her child’s full range of emotions leads to an engaging and joyful intimacy between them.

I came across Aware Parenting when I was pregnant with my now three year old daughter. I had spent the previous 14 years studying the mother-infant relationship, in part inspired by my own experience of being in an incubator for the first five weeks of my life. Aware Parenting fitted all that I had previously learnt. What I found most inspiring was the knowledge that I could give my daughter every opportunity to heal from hurts as they occurred, rather than her waiting 20 or 30 years to do so! I am so grateful for the way in which Aware Parenting has helped create intimacy, clarity and ease in my relationship with my daughter. Her behaviour indicates to me that she has benefited from it immensely.

In writing this article, I asked a friend what she most appreciates about Aware Parenting. She said, “Helping my son release his feelings helps me feel more connected and attached to him. I think that Aware Parenting enhances all the other attachment parenting principles; it gives attachment a depth that you don’t know of until you do it.”

Understanding crying
Aware Parenting recognises two types of crying in babies. The first signals an immediate need, such as for closeness, food, stimulation, or relief from discomfort. The second type of crying serves to heal the baby - from birth trauma and prenatal stress, as well as the daily stresses of babyhood, such as overstimulation, frightening events, misattunement to their needs, and developmental frustration.

So if a crying baby is physically well and all of her immediate needs have been met, the chances are that she has some emotional tension to release. In harmony with all attachment parenting, Aware Parenting advocates that a crying baby is never left alone. But if she is crying to heal, her parents can hold her, without jiggling, rocking, singing, walking, or feeding her, since these only serve to distract her and create life long patterns for repressing feelings from awareness. Being lovingly present and gently talking to the baby will give her the acceptance and safety she needs to let out her feelings. She may writhe and kick, since babies cry through their whole bodies, particularly when they are releasing birth trauma. At this point a parent may worry that surely the baby is hungry or physically uncomfortable, but as long as all of the baby’s immediate needs have been met and she is physically well, this crescendo can be welcomed. When she has expressed all that she needs to, she will become calmer, moving into a very alert state where she makes eye contact, or otherwise she will fall into a deep and tranquil sleep. If she falls asleep in the middle of the intense crying phase, she will awaken ready to finish the session.

For the first three months of my daughter’s life I fed her as soon as she woke up, and many times a day, even though she “threw up” so often that we owned about 50 bibs! I fed her constantly through the evening despite the fact that she frequently came on and off the breast and turned her head away. I would jiggle her, walk her in the sling, and do anything to keep her from crying. By the time she was three months old, I decided that I wanted to distinguish between when she was hungry and when she was needing to express her upset feelings. Around dinner time she would seem agitated rather than hungry, and I held her whilst she cried for the first time. (Before this she had hardly cried at all). Afterwards I felt really upset, thinking that maybe I had damaged her. I tried again the next day, and I felt really anxious that she might be hungry, even though she had just finished a long feed. But as I saw how much calmer she was and how she made eye contact after that cry, I felt more confident. My husband was at first concerned, until he held her crying for the first time. The peaceful presence and gazing that they shared after that cry moved him deeply and ever since he has been more than happy to hold her whilst she cries.

Once children can talk, they can express their hurt feelings through words. However, they still need to let out their emotional pain through crying, raging, symbolic play, and laughter (the latter helps release anxiety and fear). As with infants, children also sweat, tremble, and yawn to release stress hormones. Children need to know they are in an emotionally safe environment where expressing feelings is welcomed and where their needs for closeness, empathy, autonomy and respect are met. Aware Parenting helps us understand the behaviour of children that might otherwise be called “misbehaviour;” children act in ways which parents don’t enjoy either because: their needs are not being met; they are too young to understand; or they have emotional tension which requires release.

Understanding the behaviour of babies and children
Aware Parenting results in interpretations of babies’ and children’s behaviour that differ markedly to most other parenting styles. Where others may label a child’s behaviour as spirited, spoilt, naughty, or manipulative, Aware Parenting shows us that many behaviours can be understood in terms of unexpressed emotions which are held in the child’s body as physical and emotional tension. Aware Parenting explains that a child who experiences only loving kindness but not supported emotional release may still exhibit “violent” and “oppositional” behaviour, and may avoid intimacy, because he doesn’t know how else to express all the feelings he is holding inside.

An inability to sleep even when tired, frequent night waking after six months, and very early waking in older children may all indicate tension caused by unexpressed feelings. Babies and children cry when they are tired because their ability to repress their feelings is reduced at these times; being held as they cry allows them to fall into a restful sleep. “Fussiness”and agitation in the evening also indicates a build up of the stimulation of the day which can be released through supported crying. So-called “high need” babies may simply be babies who have experienced stress in utero or a traumatic birth and thus have a lot of feelings to be expressed.

Frequently asking for the breast when not hungry, or when physically or emotionally hurt may mean that the baby has already learnt a way to keep her feelings at bay. Coming on and off the breast for long periods, “spacing out,” and frequently being sick may also indicate that a baby needs to let out tension in her body rather than feed more.

“Whining”, asking for things which she then doesn’t want, biting, kicking, pulling hair and hyperactivity all indicate that a child is trying to deal with the agitation she feels. Tantrums are a means for emotional release and healing and occur when strong feelings can no longer be held in. A baby or toddler who cries when she is picked up probably does so because the closeness helps her connect to the hurt feelings she has inside. Babies and children who avoid eye contact and connection are protecting themselves from their emotional pain.

Recently, a friend of mine was telling me how confused she was about her daughter’s behaviour. “I don’t understand, how come she hits me and other children, and is so rough with our cats, when I carried her constantly when she was a baby?” Another parent expressed her concern over her son’s high activity level, saying he often seemed agitated; she was particularly upset that he rarely made eye contact with her and often pushed her away.

A friend who practises Aware Parenting told me about her three and a half year old son’s behaviour one morning, “He was agitated, running around and yelling, and didn’t want to eat breakfast or any other food we offered him. He was playing with his dad and getting frustrated and hitting him. I told him that I wanted to help him let his feelings out, and I held him in the bedroom whilst he cried. Afterwards he ate plenty of food, was calm and present, and had a bath with his dad; they were close and intimate and enjoyed each other’s company.”

I find that when my daughter and I are not connected, it means that either she or I have hurt feelings which need expression. When a child or adult is holding onto upset feelings, true connection is difficult.

What are the benefits?
When a parent responds promptly and precisely to her baby’s signals, and distinguishes between his need for emotional healing and his needs for food, sleep and stimulation, he displays specific behaviours. He is calm and alert, and his body is relaxed. He goes to sleep when he is tired (with physical closeness), without needing feeding, rocking or routines, and sleeps soundly. He is happy and enjoys closeness but is also content to entertain himself at times.

He is able to concentrate for long periods, learns easily, and enjoys cooperating, as his attention is free from stored painful feelings. He does not bite or hit other children, animals, or his parents, but generally plays harmoniously and with sensitivity to his own body and those of others. As an adult, he has a deep level of acceptance of himself, and is comfortable with the strong feelings of others. He has intimate connections with others and the natural world. He does not need to use food, distraction, TV, alcohol or drugs to numb himself from his pain but cries when he needs to.

Being with our own feelings
With all this knowledge available, why is Aware Parenting still practiced by so few? A misunderstanding about the meaning and purpose of crying and raging is a major reason. Lack of support for this kind of parenting in our society, as well as a cultural fear of feelings in general, is another. But also because when our baby cries or our child cries and rages, it stimulates the feelings we are protecting ourselves from. Holding our crying three month old might connect us to our own grief from when we were left to cry alone. Holding our raging three year old may stimulate fear connected with our own memories of birth, or powerlessness from when we were punished for crying. To practice Aware Parenting entails getting enough support to express the pain that is stimulated in us as we parent our children empathically. We may also choose to challenge the ways we habitually deal with our own feelings, such as by eating, excessive activity, or muscle tension. It is never too late to start supporting our children to heal using the mechanism they were born with, or to seek help to get our own needs for empathy and emotional support met.

I still encourage and support my daughter to have a cry most days. I notice that when she has not had a cry for a while, she is more agitated, more likely to wake in the night, more easily frustrated, and concentrates less. When I’m upset, I’m not truly present and empathic with my daughter’s feelings, and sometimes behave in ways I later regret. So when I get agitated or upset I try to get empathy from a friend, or cry in my husband’s arms after my daughter has gone to bed.

I hope to see more widespread understanding about the needs of babies and children in our society. I look forward to the day when, rather than distracting, punishing or ignoring an upset child, his crying and raging are welcomed, his parents are given plenty of emotional support, and the benefits become so well known that every supermarket provides a crying room!

For more information about emotional release in babies and children,
See Aletha Solter’s website at www.Awareparenting.com
and Patty Wipfler’s at www.parentleadershipinstitute.com
and John Breeding’s at www.wildestcolts.com

Marion Badenoch Rose has been studying infant and child development for the past 18 years. This includes a degree in psychology and a Ph.D. on the mother-infant relationship from Cambridge University. She has diplomas in Psychosynthesis counselling and psychotherapy, and has worked in Universities in England as Research Fellow and Lecturer. She offers consultations and workshops for parents. She is a certified Aware Parenting instructor. She can be contacted at awareparenting@iinet.net.au


References
Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby (revised edition) Shining Star Press
ISBN 0-9613073-7-4

Solter, A. (1998) Tears and Tantrums What to Do When Babies and Children Cry
Shining Star Press ISBN: 0-9613073-6-6

Solter, A. (1989) Helping Young Children Flourish (Two to eight years of age)
Shining Star Press ISBN: 0-9613073-1-5


This article was first published in Natural Parenting Magazine, www.naturalparenting.com.au
Summer 2004

Aware Parenting

Crying and emotional release in babies - the Aware Parenting approach

by Marion Badenoch Rose, PhD

Aware Parenting is a term coined by Aletha Solter, a developmental psychologist who studied with Dr. Jean Piaget in Switzerland before gaining her Ph.D. at the University of California. She is the founder and director of The Aware Parenting Institute (www.aware parenting.com), an international organization with certified instructors in ten different countries. She is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment and non-punitive discipline. Her books, “The Aware Baby”, “Tears and Tantrums”, and “Helping Young Children Flourish”, have been translated into several languages.

What is Aware Parenting?
Aware Parenting is based on attachment-style parenting, non-punitive discipline, and acceptance of emotional release.

Like other attachment parenting methods, Aware Parenting advocates:
natural childbirth and early bonding, plenty of physical contact, breast-feeding, prompt responsiveness to crying, and sensitive attunement.

Solter also recommends non-punitive discipline, including no punishments of any kind (including "time-out" and artificial "consequences"), no rewards or bribes, the search for underlying needs and feelings, Nonviolent Communication, and peaceful conflict-resolution (family meetings, etc.)

However, Aware Parenting is different to some other attachment parenting styles in its approach to crying and emotional release, which is the focus of this article.

Solter’s approach advocates healing of babies’ and children’s stress and trauma through crying and raging in the context of a loving parent/child relationship. Respectful, empathic listening and acceptance of babies’ and children's emotions is central to this way of parenting.

Why does your baby cry?
Aware Parenting proposes that when your baby cries, she is either crying to communicate, or crying to heal. These two reasons for crying ask for very different responses.

When your baby cries to communicate, she needs something immediately, such as holding, food, stimulation, warmth, etc. Here, your role is to fulfill her need as accurately and promptly as possible.

If your baby is still crying after you have checked her immediate needs, she is probably crying to heal. There is a general lack of recognition about this type of crying. Babies cry to heal from emotional or physical hurts or an accumulation of stresses. Here, your role is to lovingly hold your baby, allowing her to continue crying until she has released her stressful feelings.

When parents do not realise that their baby is crying to heal, they try to stop her crying by bouncing, jiggling, rocking, and walking her, feeding her for comfort, (breast, bottle or solids), giving her a dummy, or distracting her. Her stressful feelings get stored up for another time, and she will keep trying to release that tension at every opportunity - especially when she is tired, when she is frustrated, or when she is lovingly held.

Babies who are prevented from crying to heal may appear contented, but may sometimes have a spaced out expression indicating that they are holding in painful feelings. They might whine, be hyperactive, wake up frequently, bite, hit, or cry intensely to a seemingly small event.

Aware Parenting is very different from controlled crying or crying-it-out, where parents aim to stop their baby crying by leaving her to cry alone. Solter suggests that crying alone is a terrifying experience for a baby, which leads to a loss of trust. She repeatedly states that babies should never be left alone to cry. If a baby is left to cry, she may develop thumb sucking, spacing out, or over-attachment to a blanket or stuffed animal to help her numb her distressed feelings.

Sources of stress for infants
Solter recommends aiming to keep stress to a minimum for babies.

There are several sources of stresses for babies, which fit in the following six categories: prenatal stress; birth trauma; unfilled needs (eg. to be held); overstimulation (eg. new experiences); developmental frustrations (eg. wanting to be competent at a new skill); physical pain; and frightening events (eg. separation from parents).

Stress and trauma are seen as primary causes of many behavioural and emotional problems if supported release does not occur. Solter reassures us that it is never too late to help our babies and children heal from stressful events through allowing them to cry and rage with us.

How to respond to a crying baby
First, check your baby’s immediate needs. In “The Aware Baby”, Solter gives guidelines for distinguishing between a need to cry and other needs. Medical problems, allergies, and physical discomfort also need to be ruled out.

If your baby is still crying, you can assume that he is releasing tensions caused by past hurts or stresses. Hold your baby calmly and lovingly whilst he cries, without bouncing or jiggling. Look into his eyes, talk to him, (eg. “I’m here with you.”), and listen to him. This gives him emotional safety. Allow him to continue crying for as long as he needs. Solter recommends never holding your baby for punishment, revenge, or to create submission. Don’t ever let him cry alone.

After crying to release stresses, babies are often relaxed, calm, alert, and happy, or may fall into a peaceful sleep.

The physiology of stress and crying
Solter postulates that crying and raging after emotional stress may have evolved to reduce the negative side effects of the fight or flight response. A biochemist called William Frey has detected certain hormones and neurotransmitters (such as ACT and catecholamines) in tears. These help the body prepare for fight or flight in situations of danger. Afterwards, the remains of these chemicals keep the body in a state of tension and arousal. Frey suggests that shedding tears when crying stops these chemicals from accumulating, thus preventing deleterious physical and emotional effects.

The benefits of supported crying
The empathy and unconditional acceptance communicated when you hold your crying baby fosters her healthy attachment, self-esteem, and self-acceptance.

Babies who regularly release stresses are generally calm, content, cooperative, and alert, with little whining or fussing. They often sleep at night for longer periods than other babies.

Fears and phobias may be prevented when a baby is allowed to cry in a supported manner soon after a frightening or traumatic event.

Allow your baby to heal from early stresses and traumas and she will probably have more attention for learning. On the other hand if there is a high level of accumulated tensions in her body, it may be harder for her to concentrate, learn new things and think clearly.

Allowing your baby to express her feelings freely whilst holding and supporting her may also lead to later emotional and physical wellbeing, and an intact ability to heal from stresses throughout her whole life.

Control patterns
When a baby is repeatedly prevented from crying to heal, he learns to repress his strong emotions and crying with this same method. This behaviour becomes repetitive or compulsive, and is known as a control pattern. Control patterns are usually well-established by six months of age.

Control patterns include frequent feeding for comfort rather than hunger, dummy sucking, thumb sucking, excessive clinging, attachment to a special blanket or toy, constant demands for entertainment or distraction, hyperactivity, self-rocking, and head-banging.

These methods only postpone the crying, putting the baby into a kind of trance-like state, where he dissociates from, or numbs, the feelings, but does not release them.

Once a control pattern is in place, responding accurately to a baby’s needs becomes more complex. For example, if a baby is given the bottle every time he cries, he will soon learn to ask for the bottle when he is upset, as well as when he is hungry. His request for the bottle seems like a need for milk every time. This control pattern can lead to frequent feeding and night-waking in older babies.

Control patterns become hard to change unless the parents or caretakers lovingly allow and accept their baby’s crying. Then the control patterns can disappear, often quite quickly.

Alternatively, these control patterns continue into adulthood, for example when we avoid our feelings by eating, drinking, smoking, or watching TV. When control patterns are used to protect ourselves from traumatic feelings, they are possibly the precursors of addictions to food, alcohol, and drugs.

We often pass on our own control patterns to our children. For example, if we tend to eat to repress our feelings, we are likely to feed our baby every time he cries.

How to help your baby sleep through the night (without ignoring them)
When a baby is tired she has less energy to repress her feelings and so will cry more readily. Encouraging her to continue this release is the recipe for a restful night’s sleep. If she has already released her tensions during the day, she will fall asleep simply by being held.

A baby who has pent up feelings finds it difficult to fall asleep even when she is tired. She resorts to control patterns to distract her from her tension long enough to fall asleep. Chances are that she will not sleep well because the emotions are still lurking just below the surface.

Young babies commonly wake up hungry more than once during the night. However, frequent night waking in babies over six months old is most likely caused not by hunger, but by the need to relieve stress with a cry.

Solter recommends not using a control pattern to put your baby to sleep, ie. not feeding, rocking, singing, jiggling, or using distractions. Instead, you can hold your baby lovingly, reassure her, and give her your full attention so that she can cry if she needs to. After crying, she will relax and fall into a comfortable sleep in your arms. She will also learn to distinguish between when she is tired, hungry, or feeling upset.

If your baby over six months old wakes for a second time in the night, you can hold her and offer her a drink or snack rather than the breast or bottle. If she is not hungry, thirsty, or simply needing closeness, she needs to release. Hold her in your loving arms. She will cry out her remaining tensions and fall into a deep satisfying sleep.

My experience with Aware Parenting
I researched alternative sites for birthing and parenting, and found many references to Solter’s work. I felt intrigued, especially reading reviews of her books, such as:

"This book is so important, for the health of our children and our society, that ... I am recommending it to every professional and parent that I know."
William R. Emerson, Ph.D. (Pioneer in infant and child psychotherapy)

“... Tears and Tantrums. This book needs to be in every library... The information therein will free families of emotional trauma in order to journey through life's challenges together in trust."
Jeannie Parvati Baker (Midwife and author of Prenatal Yoga and Natural Birth)

After reading and rereading Solter’s books and practising her methods, I feel as passionate about Aware Parenting as these authors do!

I read “Tears and Tantrums” whilst I was pregnant, yet for the first 3 months after my daughter Lana was born I never let her cry. Whenever she began to cry my own feelings of distress would get triggered, and I would feed her immediately. When I look back I see that I fed her even when she needed to cry to release stored feelings. I fed her for hours in the evening, even though she fussed, repeatedly came on and off the breast and frequently threw up. These are the kind of signals that a baby may give when she is needing to release accumulated tensions.

When Lana was 3 months old, I started letting her cry in my arms when I thought she needed to heal from daily stresses. The first few times I felt really worried that she might be hungry, even if she had recently had a long feed.

However, I soon felt comfortable when the beneficial effects became clear. Before crying she was tense and avoided eye contact, and afterwards she was deeply relaxed and would gaze blissfully into our eyes. After a cry she was more content and slept more peacefully and for longer periods. She would have a cry every evening for between 15 minutes and an hour. However, I still sometimes felt confused about distinguishing her hunger from her need to cry, and so feeding was still a control pattern for her.

When she was seven months old, I reread The Aware Baby and took Solter’s advice about breast feeding on both sides at each feed. Lana started going for longer between each feed, and then I felt more confident differentiating between when she was hungry and when she needed to cry. She stopped being sick and only woke up once during the night. A few months later she began sleeping all the way through.

Lana is now 18 months old and has a cry most days, often before she goes to sleep. She sometimes goes for a few days without crying, such as when we go out a lot. At those times she shows an accumulation of tensions - at night she becomes unsettled and fidgety, sometimes waking up, and during the day she is less contented and more frustrated.

I joined an Aware Parenting web list when Lana was about 8 months old, and a month later I started a local weekly support group for other mums who were putting Solter’s methods into practice. The latter group is not running at the moment, but I am planning to start an Aware Parenting playgroup in the next few months.

Finding out more
If you feel interested in this way of parenting, I recommend reading one of Solter’s books first. See the reviews below to find out which one would suit you the most. I also suggest reading one of her books before joining the web group. You can join by going to www.awareparenting.com and following the links.

Marion Badenoch Rose has a degree in psychology and a Ph.D. on the mother-infant relationship from Cambridge University. She qualified in Psychosynthesis counselling and psychotherapy and worked as a University Research Fellow investigating early infant cognitive development. She lectured on The Therapeutic Relationship to M.A. students. She is a certified Aware Parenting instructor and offers workshops, courses, and consultations in person and by phone. She can be contacted at awareparenting@iinet.net.au

References

Frey, II, W.H. and Lang Seth, M. (1985) Crying: The Mystery of Tears Winston Press.

Solter, A. (2001) The Aware Baby (revised edition) Shining Star Press
ISBN 0-9613073-7-4
I recommend this book for pregnant mums (and dads) and parents of young babies, as it has chapters on pregnancy, birth, and attachment, as well as feeding, sleeping, crying and playing.

Solter, A. (1998) Tears and Tantrums What to Do When Babies and Children Cry
Shining Star Press ISBN: 0-9613073-6-6
Describes the purpose of crying and raging from birth to eight years of age, and how best to respond. It includes: helping babies sleep better (without ignoring them); helping children heal from stress and trauma; increasing children’s attention span and intelligence; improving children’s self-esteem and emotional health; reducing children’s violent behaviour and hyperactivity; and strengthening the parent/child bond.

Solter, A. (1989) Helping Young Children Flourish (Two to eight years of age)
Shining Star Press ISBN: 0-9613073-1-5
Focuses on the emotional needs of children from two to eight years. It provides insights to help you understand your child, maintain a close, loving relationship, and cope with day-to-day problems. It includes chapters on tears and tantrums, fears, learning, playing, conflicts, friendships, and eating.

This article first appeared in Byron Child magazine www.byronchild.com
in 2003.

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